I’m not sure if most people would consider this place to be uncomfortable or even unusual, but for me this place always makes me feel the most self-conscious, the most anxious, and the most awkward. At first, I would voluntarily go there in an effort to increase my self-esteem, but eventually after several attempts at trying to remain unaware of my surroundings, it became a place I dreaded having to go into alone. The worst part is that while I would be inside this place, all I could think about were the people around me and if they were watching me and judging me, and in the beginning, I was embarrassed if my sweat showed through my shirts, or if my hair wagged like a horse’s tail as it bobbed from side to side, or if anyone could tell I hadn’t shaved my legs that day. I was constantly picking out my faults and running scenarios through my head of what the people surrounding me must be thinking. I couldn’t help but repeatedly check my sides for wandering eyes or quiet whispers, as I tried to keep myself from running like the wind out the door.
The place I am describing might be a favorite place for some, it might even feel like their safe haven or place of release, but it’s never felt homely to me. The smell that radiates up from the floors reeks of mildew and sweat. Right as you walk in, there are wind-tunnel sounds and quick feet, there are sounds of running water and slurping, there is music echoing enthusiasm down the halls, there are words of encouragement and determination being shouted from a glass room lined with mirrors, and the sounds of dead weight being hammered to the floor. As I look around there is spandex galore, headphones a plenty, and wet skin everywhere. There are people of all different shapes and sizes, different skin tones and musculature, and different techniques. There are the cardio gurus, the juiceheads, and the New Year Resolutioners who make up the variety of members.
The gym is my place of dread. It is the place where it does not matter how many people can go with me to workout, I still remain paranoid that I am being mentally persecuted for not being a healthier individual or for not being in the correct BMI range due to my genetic assets. I think it’s just the overall atmosphere of having well built athletes surrounding me for a couple hours as I struggle to overcome the minimum activities that the rest of them could do in their sleep with their hands tied behind their backs. Whatever the cause, the gym has this affect on me and it’s one I am trying to overpower to this day.
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