Matt: Hi Matt! I’m really glad Patel put us in the same Peer Group. I really appreciate the suggestions you made about my writing…I found them very helpful! For your prompt 20, I can tell you put a lot of thought into what you were writing about. I especially enjoyed your final paragraph in which you called your boss at the worst possible moment and said your ever-so-sweet farewells. I couldn’t help but laugh. I also admire how much detail you put into your writing. When you write about something you definitely don’t just skim the surface, and I find that appealing. I like reading stories where there’s nothing left to guessing and you definitely do that.
If there’s anything I could critique about the blog, is that in the fourth paragraph, a sentence reads, “I only had to manage to hold a particular set of accounts together for a week at a time,” and I thought it could have been rewritten a little differently since it sounds a little funky when I read it. Maybe it could be written, “I only had to manage a particular set of accounts together for a week at a time?” or possibly, “I was only able to hold a particular set of accounts together for a week at a time?” I’m not quite sure what you were trying to say so I thought I could give suggestions for that.
For Prompt 21, I don’t know if there is anything to critique! I really like how it was from a third person perspective, and how you were able to write so well without incorporating yourself into the actual essay. Again, there were tons of details that really make the visualizations come to life, and I really got the idea of what the people on the strip are like. The dialogue you added to the story only made everything seem more real and funny. I enjoyed the dialogue about the strippers and smelling like strawberries…because “from what I’ve heard,” strippers really do wear fruity perfumes and lotions.
Nicola: Hello Nicola! I enjoy the simplicity of your writing, and how direct you are when getting to the topic of the story and what it entails. One thing I think that could help the blogs is separating the entire blog into individual paragraphs. For Prompt 20, I felt like the whole blog could have been separated into the introduction, supporting paragraphs, and then the conclusion. With it being one paragraph everything seems to blend together. I also felt like some sentences could have been joined together and not in short choppy sentences. For instance, “The next portion is the gathering of the coal, which are broken into smaller pieces and put into about six five pound buckets. Which are then loaded into the truck.” The two sentences could be rewritten as a complex sentence like, “The next portion is the gathering of the coal, which are broken into smaller pieces and put into about six five pound buckets; which are then loaded into the truck.”
In prompt 21, the first sentence might be a run-on sentence. You could make it into two sentences by placing a period after “experience” and capitalizing “all.” You also tend to use language that more familiar to the culture that you write about, but perhaps for people, like me, who aren’t familiar; maybe you could go into more detail about what they are and how they relate to the story. That way, without giving the readers an actual definition, we can get the idea of what they mean from the details.
Miranda: Hi again! “Leaving a trail of giggles and delight,” I totally love the visualizations you give because of the way you give it. I can definitely image what the little girl looks like running “around and around,” just like you described, and I completely understand the nerve-wrecking feeling of watching another person’s small child and looking at every object in the room as a potential hazard. For “S&M – educational or trashy?” I couldn’t agree more with your feelings about Rihanna being too explicit in her music. I especially enjoyed the line you wrote, “it seems as though her attempt to make a loud impression could have maybe had a bit more class and a bit less ass.” Hands down, couldn’t agree more.
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